Lucas and Saffy
by Tulse Luper
Summary: An adaptation of William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet for the silly at heart, as advertised on BBC Radio Scotland's Arts Show! Features characters from Monty Python, Absolutely Fabulous, Father Ted, and more!
1. Playbill

THE INTERNATIONAL FANFICTION THEATER  
IN ASSOCIATION WITH  
THE BLACK RIDER AND SECOND ACT PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS  
  
TREVOR BANNISTER JULIA SAWAHLA  
  
IN  
  
LUCAS & SAFFY  
  


Presented by The Black Rider.  
Directed by Noah Redfield.  
Written by Ian Brennan, Liam Henderson, John Reeler, and Alan Springfield.  
Based on the stageplay Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare.  
Produced by Neil Merrick.  
Revisions by Alexander Hutchence.  
Casting by Warren Elk.  
Choreography by Peter Snapdragon.  
Co-starring Dermot Morgan, Patricia Routledge, John Cleese, Hugh Laurie, Jennifer Saunders, John Inman, Adrian Edmondson, Graham Chapman, Andrew Sachs, and Rowan Atkinson.  
With special appearances by Eric Idle, Frank Kelly, Ardal O'Hanlon, Terry Jones, Rik Mayall, Michael Palin, Nigel Planer, Tony Robinson, and Christopher Ryan.  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
  
THE CAST  
  
Lucas - Trevor Bannister (Romeo)  
Basil Fawlty - John Cleese (Lord Capulet)  
Sybil Fawlty - Prunella Scales (Lady Capulet)  
Mr. Humphrese - John Inman (Benvolio)  
Manuel - Andrew Sachs (Balthasar)  
  
Saffy - Julia Sawahla (Juliet)  
George Regent - Hugh Laurie (Lord Capulet)  
Edina - Jennifer Saunders (Lady Capulet)  
Hyacinth Bucket - Patricia Routledge (Nurse)  
Vyvyan - Adrian Edmondson (Tybalt)  
Mike - Christopher Ryan (Petruchio)  
Rick - Rik Mayall (Sampson)  
Neil - Nigel Planer (Gregory)  
Edmund Blackadder - Rowan Atkinson (Servingman)  
  
Major - Graham Chapman (Prince Escalus)  
Lord Flasheart - Rik Mayall (Count Paris)  
Eric Praline - John Cleese (Mercutio)  
  
Father Ted Crilly - Dermot Morgan (Friar Lawrence)  
Father Dougal Maguire - Ardal O'Hanlon (Friar John)  
Ken Shabby - Michael Palin (Apothecary)  
  
ALSO APPEARING  
  
BBC Announcer - John Cleese  
Baldrick - Tony Robinson  
Cheeky Fellow - Eric Idle  
Father Jack Hackett - Frank Kelly  
Mrs. Doyle - Pauline McLynn  
Ratbag Woman - Terry Jones  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
  
ABOUT SECOND ACT PRODUCTIONS  
  
Second Act Productions is a theatrical production created by the critically acclaimed fanfiction author and poet The Black Rider. Bored with contemporary fanfiction, he decided to try to conjure up something new and fresh, with the help of comedy troupe Keep Left, which included longtime collaborators Alan Springfield and Neil Merrick, as well as Noah Redfield, Ian Brennan, John Reeler, and Liam Henderson.  
  
We were just trying to add excitement into an art form, says Redfield. After a while, you get sick of writing traditional dramatic stories and want to explore new areas of the genre. Alan Springfield also adds, We were also, in a sense, paying homage to the all-time greats of British comedy, an area of entertainment which we are all huge fans of. After _Lucas and Saffy_, the team behind Second Act Productions will present _Pythonland_, a Monty Python-based musical, as well as _Clergyman_, Reeler and Henderson's three-act play based on the popular sitcom Father Ted, and The Black Rider will release _The Blackadder Tales_, six stories based upon the Blackadder dynasty, each one taking place in the Tower of London.  
  
For these six madmen, it's all about bringing the back in fanfiction, and offering people and experience nobody could ever imagine you could have on the Internet without porn.  
  
-- Warren Elk  
  
WHO'S WHO AT SECOND ACT PRODUCTIONS  
  
The Black Rider - Nobody knows what this guy's real name is, but most people know that he's one talented figure. Following his unsuccessful dark comedies, _Fear and Loathing in Liberty City_ and _Big in Japan_, The Black Rider delivered the wildly popular Final Fantasy fanfic _Love Will Tear Us Apart_. He's also written a number of poems, which can be seen at FictionPress.Net. Right now, he's taking time off from writing to help these boys on their way to glory.  
  
Ian Brennan - Like many of his cohorts, Ian Brennan began his career in sketch comedy at the Highlands Festival. Since then, he has been the creative force behind such programs as _Smedrick on High_, _No Peace for the Wicked_, and _The Piper at the Gates of Dawn_, which he received an Academy Award nomination for Best Original Screenplay.  
  
Neil Merrick - Noah Redfield introduced The Black Rider to Neil Merrick in July of 2002. Since then, Merrick has produced all of The Black Rider's fanfics to date, as well as several abstract theatrical productions, including the legendary box office disaster _Trip! The Lewis Carrol Musical_.  
  
Liam Henderson - Liam Henderson was born in Belfast, Ireland, and lived there until the age of thirty, in which he wrote _Hail To The Irish Tinkers_, a hugely successful theatrical farce that was on the Dublin stage for nearly four years. In addition to that, he has written several other stageplays with his writing partner John Reeler, including _One Step Beyond _and _God Help Us!_  
  
Noah Redfield - More known for his controversial such as _Beethoven's Bodies _and _The Great Console War_, Noah Redfield has always been known to push the envelope. He's had his works banned from over thirty different web sites and literary societies, most notably_The Great Console War_, which was banned from FanFiction.Net following several complaints from concerned parents, to which Noah says, Get stuffed!  
  
John Reeler - Liam Henderson once said of writing partner John Reeler, Never have I met a man more beautifully perverse. He was most likely referring to his quirky sense of humor, which is present in the stageplays he wrote with him, as well as his many novels, including _The Ministers of Religious Genocide_ and _The Garlic Brothers.  
  
_Alan Springfield - A veteran actor of the stage and screen, Alan Springfield recently quit acting to pursue a career in screenwriting. To this day, he has penned over fifty screenplays, none of which were ever made. He is currently working with The Black Rider to film is British gangster screenplay _Masking Tape_, which is due out this spring.  
  
COMING SOON FROM SECOND ACT PRODUCTIONS  
  
Pythonland: A New Musical  
Reeler and Henderson's Clergyman  
The Blackadder Tales  
Masking Tape: A Film By Alan Springfield  
  
Now, get on with it!


	2. Prologue

THE PROLOGUE  
  
BBC Announcer: And now for something completely different.  
  
End of Prologue.


	3. Act I

ACT I  
  
SCENE I  
  
_Town square. Enter Rick and Neil.  
  
_Rick: Ah, what a lovely day. Blue skies, fresh air, perfect for a shag!  
Neil: Let's just hope we don't run into any Fawlties.  
Rick: Oh, boo hoo, Neil! As if they're going to do anything about us!  
Neil: Yeah, but they're really big on fighting and all that. I mean, I just did me hair, man!  
  
_Enter Fawlty thugs.  
  
_Neil: Oh, no.  
Rick: Watch and learn, Neil.  
  
_Rick casually walks over to the Fawlty thugs and makes an obscene gesture and walks back to Neil. The Fawlties draw their swords.  
  
_Rick: Oh, look, Neil! The Fawlties have drawn their swords. Well, they're going to be damn sorry when they find themselves bleeding to death on the pavement!  
Neil: Hey, guys. I'm getting really bad vibes here, man.  
  
_Enter Humphrese.  
  
_Humphrese: What's going on here? _(To Neil)_ Ooh, you do look nice, don't you?  
Neil: _(very nervous) _Uh, uh...Vyvyan! Rick? Mike?  
  
_Enter Mike and Vyvyan.  
  
_Mike: Oi, what's going on here, then?  
Rick: The Fawlties! They've bloody attacked us!!  
Mike: Oh, dear. Vyv!  
Vyvyan: Oi, who's this poof, then!?  
Mike: I don't know, but he's taking quite the shine to Neil here.  
Vyvyan: You sick bastards!!  
Neil: Hey, guys! Peace. Peace! Remember what the Major said if we get into another--  
Rick: Sod the Major! Burn down the offices! Overthrow the oppressors.  
Vyvyan: Oh, shut up!  
  
_A fight begins. Neil runs away. Mr. Humphrese chases after him. Vyvyan picks up a chair and breaks it over Rick's head.  
  
_Vyvyan: Oh! Sorry, Rick. I thought you were a Fawlty.  
  
_Enter Major.  
  
_Major: Right, stop that! Stop that! This is getting far too silly. It started off as a nice coming-of-age tale of sorts...but now it's just gotten silly! Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I...except for my wife...and some of her friends...oh yes, and Captain Atkinson. Come to think of it, most people enjoy a good laugh than I do, but that's beside the point. Furthermore, let it be known that if this play gets any sillier during a scene in which I appear on this stage, the culprit will be put to death. Now, let's have a good clean scene with no silliness whatsoever. Curtain...close!  
  
_Major exits.  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
  
_SCENE II  
  
_City street. Enter Basil, Sybil, and Humphrese.  
  
_Basil: Damn Regent! Always trying to stand me up. Right, Humphrese. The last thing we need is this place to be shut down, so I want you to try and keep order if anything like this should happen again.  
Sybil: And make sure you take their weapons!  
Basil: Yes, Sybil, I'm dealing with it.  
Sybil: Well, you're not dealing with it very well.  
Basil: Yes, my little commandant.  
Sybil: Where's Lucas? Did he ever show up for work?  
Humphrese: I don't know. I think he's still upset about Miss Brahms.  
Basil: Oh, God.  
  
_Enter Lucas.  
  
_Basil: Well, Lucas! Glad you finally decided to turn up! Beautiful day, isn't it?  
Lucas: Yeah, it's all right, I suppose.  
Sybil: Leave him alone, Basil. He's just depressed.  
Lucas: What!?  
Basil: I'm only trying to help, Sybil.  
Sybil: No dear, you're just making it worse.  
Lucas: Making what worse? I just showed up to work, that's all.  
Basil: Look, look, look, oh don't look at me with those AWFUL cow eyes; look, why don't you go to the cinema tonight? Why, why, why don't you and Humphrese go to a show or something? Why, why, why, why, why don't you cheer up, for Christ's sake!?  
Lucas: I'm not doing anything.  
Sybil: Let him be, Basil!  
Basil: I just cannot stand this awful self-indulgence!  
Lucas: Have you been drinking or something, Mr. Fawlty?  
Humphrese: Let me handle this, Mr. Fawlty. Delicate touch needed, I fancy.  
  
_Basil and Sybil exit.  
  
_Humphrese: Now, what seems to be troubling you, love?  
Lucas: Nothing!  
Humphrese: But I saw you last night with Brahms. The poor, stupid bird. Doesn't know what she's missing.  
Lucas: Yeah, but it's not like I'm crying about it or anything. She wants Granger, that's her problem.  
Humphrese: Then why were you late for work?  
Lucas: My car exploded. _(Pause) _It was the bloody Regents.  
Humphrese: Oh, yes. The freeloading bastards, I hope they all burn in Hell.  
Lucas: Well, that goes without saying.  
Humphrese: Are you sure you're all right?  
Lucas: Of course I'm sure!  
Humphrese: All right. Just making sure.  
  
_Enter Baldrick.  
  
_Baldrick: Message for you, sir!  
  
_Baldrick hands Humphrese a letter and exits.  
  
_Humphrese: I say, do you know what this is?  
Lucas: Yeah, it's an invitation to a party at Regent Mansions tonight. The bloody fool must've confused us for Regents!  
Humphrese: What do you say tonight we go down there and have a bit of a bash, if you know what I mean?  
Lucas: You mean turn up at the party?  
Humphrese: That's exactly what I mean!  
Lucas: Yeah, all right.  
  
_The two exit.  
  
___________________________________________________________________  
  
  
SCENE III   
  
_Regent Mansions. Edina is grooming herself whilst Blackadder talks with Lord Flasheart._  
  
Blackadder: Right, Lord Flasheart. My master, Lord Regent, sends his deepest greetings, though he cannot be with us this afternoon.  
Lord Flasheart: What's he doing?  
Blackadder: He's sleeping, sir!  
Lord Flasheart: I say, what a waste of a mattress! Let me tell you the day I use my bed for sleeping is the day I die! WOOF WOOF!!  
Blackadder: I might've guessed. So, we are in an agreement? Tonight during the festivities, you woo Saffy, marry her the following week, and walk away three quarters of a million pounds and--  
Lord Flasheart: And the luckiest bird to ever be taken to Heaven and back!  
  
_Flasheart exits. Edina enters.  
  
_Edina: I say, Edmund! Where is my daughter?  
Blackadder: I know not, ma'am, for I was distracted by the world's biggest showoff since Jesus Christ stood up over the people of Israel and cried, Hey dad! Didn't you say I'd never amount to anything!?  
Edina: Well, if you do see her, give me a shout, would you?  
Blackadder: Right away, ma'am.  
  
_Enter Hyacinth.  
  
_Edina: Nursie, dear, have you seen my daughter?  
Hyacinth: My name, ma'am is Mrs. Bucket, and I suggest you call me that.  
Edina: Whatever, darling. I can't be expected to remember everything. Well, where is she, Hyacinth?  
Hyacinth: I'll go find her, ma'am. SAFFY!! SAFFY!! SAFFY, WHERE THE DEVIL YOU, GIRL!?  
Saffy: I'm right here.  
  
_Saffy enters.  
  
_Saffy: You could've waited for me to come down first.  
Edina: Darling, I need to talk to you now. Uh, Edmund, Hyacinth, would you mind...  
Blackadder: Right away, ma'am. There's only so long one can stand the smell of Baldrick's laundry.  
  
_Blackadder and Hyacinth exit.  
  
_Edina: Uh, Hyacinth, come back here.  
  
_She does just that.  
  
_Edina: Saffy, darling, what are your thoughts on marriage?  
Saffy: Marriage?  
Edina: Have you ever heard of the honorable Lord Flasheart?  
Saffy: Lord Flasheart!?  
Hyacinth: Oh, yes! Only the finest man in all the land. He's in love with you and he wants to marry you next week. Only the best for my little Saffy.  
Saffy: Mother, the only thing Lord Flasheart cares about is a good shag...thirty times night...with eighty-five different women...in three beds.  
Edina: oh, but that doesn't really matter all that much, does it?  
Saffy: I'd bloody well say it does. I want the man I marry to care for me until the day I die. A man who loves things I do and the way I look. A man who is a tender, caring, loving person.  
Edina: Well, that's not the way we do things here, darling. You want that kind of relationship, find a family in Wales!  
Hyacinth: He's right, you know. Take what you can get and don't let go. I made that that very same mistake myself, dearie.  
Saffy: Well, all right.  
edina: Oh, marvelous! Now fetch mummy a bottle of champagne.  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
  
SCENE IV  
  
_Regent Gardens. Enter Lucas, Humphrese, and Eric Praline, who are just arriving at the party.  
  
_Humphrese: Now be gentle on this fellow tonight. He's a bit under the weather.  
Eric Praline: Why is that?  
Humphrese: He's smitten.  
Lucas: No, I'm not!  
Humphrese: We're taking him to look at some other birds...to see what he fancies.  
Eric Praline: Yes, my advice to you is take whatever you can get and hold on. I remember once I went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. Half hour later I returned to the very same boutique to complain. It turned out that the Norwegian Blue I had purchased ever so recently was dead. The man assured me that it was merely resting, but I told him it was stone dead. I tried to awaken the dear winged fellow to prove its death. Then the man told me it was pining for the fjords'. Then I told him how I had noticed out of the corner of my eye that the only reason it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there. He still insisted it was alive, but the parrot had passed on. The parrot was no more, it had ceased to be. It was a stiff breath of life, it rested in peace. If he hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would have been pushing up the daisies. It had run down the curtain and joined the Choir Invisible. It was...an ex-parrot!  
Lucas: Eric, what is the point of this story?  
Eric Praline: Shut up! I haven't finished.  
Lucas: Oh God.  
Eric Praline: So then he tried to pass it off with a slug! I would've accepted, but the damn thing didn't even talk! Then he asked me if I wanted to come back to his place. I cordially accepted.  
Humphrese: Do you remember his name? He sounds like a nice, polite sort of bloke.  
Lucas: Eric, Eric. Calm yourself. You're bloody projecting. It's over. Now enjoy yourself.  
Eric Praline: All right! I shall.  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
  
SCENE V  
  
_Regent Mansions. Blackadder and Baldrick watch the guests as they come in.  
  
_Blackadder: Right, Baldrick. Here's the plan. I'm sick of not getting any women and the bloody Lord Regent getting the lot, so you dress up as a sad old granny, ask for directions, and lead him out of the palace. Got it?  
Baldrick: Got it.  
Blackadder: Well, you certainly will get it if you mess this up. Oh yes, anything from Lord Massingbird?  
Baldrick: Yes, sir! _(takes out an empty bottle of poison)_  
Blackadder: Baldrick, I gave you two notes. You sent the note with a bottle of poison for suicide to Lord Massingbird.  
Baldrick: Certainly did, sir.  
Blackadder: and you sent the invitation to the party to...  
  
_Enter Lucas, Humphrese, and Eric Praline.  
  
_Blackadder: You stupid bastard! _(hits Baldrick in the back of the head)  
  
Lucas sits down while Humphrese joins the celebration and Eric wanders around aimlessly. A cheeky fellow sits down next to him.  
  
_Cheeky Fellow: Good evening, Squire!  
Lucas: Hello.  
Cheeky Fellow: Is your bird a goer, eh? Knowhatimean, knowhatimean, nudge nudge, wink wink, saynomore?  
Lucas: What?  
Cheeky Fellow: Your bird! Does she go, eh? Does she go, eh?  
Lucas: I don't have a bird at the moment.  
Cheeky Fellow: I bet you don't. I bet you don't. Saynomore, saynomore, knowhatimean, nudge nudge?  
Lucas: I'm gonna stand over there.  
  
_Lucas stands up and walks over to Humphrese.  
  
_Humphrese: Ah, Lucas! Find any birds that catch your fancy? I know I've found mine.  
Lucas: That's Lord Flasheart, Humphrese.  
Humphrese: Ooh, I know!  
Lucas: Well, I haven't found anything I like just yet.  
Humphrese: Don't worry, you're time will come. Oh look, there's the little Regent girl. And it looks like she's the only one without a boyfriend.  
Lucas: Ugh. Oh, well. Might as well give it a whirl. Right, now to turn on a bit of the old Lucas charm.  
Flasheart: _(from a distance) _Oi! You! Frat at the drinks!  
Humphrese: Why me, sir?  
Flasheart: Yeah, you seen Saffy Regent around?  
Humphrese: Over there. _(pointing to her)_  
Flasheart: Ugh, that's bloody revolting!! Oh, well. This bird here will have to do!  
  
_Flasheart picks out a random girl and begins passionately kissing her for at least thirty seconds. He stops.  
  
_Flasheart: She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils! (taking the girl in his arms) Right, here comes a whizz-bang-- and I think you know what I'm talking about! WOOF WOOF!!  
  
_They exit.  
  
_Blackadder: Oh, great. First Baldrick gives two Fawlties an invitation and now this. God, what an awful day.  
  
_Lucas approaches Saffy.  
_  
Lucas: Excuse me, darling, but I noticed you have no dance partner this evening. And I was wondering--  
Saffy: Are you Flasheart?  
Lucas: _(thinking) _No, sorry.  
Saffy: Great!  
  
_Saffy pulls Lucas onto the dance floor.  
  
_Saffy: What exactly attracted you to me?  
Lucas: Is that any question to ask the bloke who fancies you!?  
Saffy: I like you. You're different from all the others.  
Lucas: How?  
Saffy: Well, in a weird sort of way, you're kind of...charming.  
Lucas: Nobody's ever called me charming before.  
  
_Hyacinth pulls Saffy away.  
  
_Hyacinth: Are you mad, woman!?  
Saffy: What!? Flasheart's nowhere to be found!  
Hyacinth: That is a common Fawlty! What would people think if they saw you with him!?  
Saffy: A Fawlty!?  
Lucas: Hang on. Is that a Regent? Oh, no.  
  
_Vyvyan enters.  
  
_Vyvyan: Oi, Regent!  
George: That's Lord Regent to you!  
Vyvyan: No time for that now, Georgie. There's a Fawlty in here.  
George: Fawlty!? Where?  
Vyvyan: Over there! That Lucas bloke!  
George: No, that's not! Is it?  
Vyvyan: YES!!  
George: Oh, I say, that's very clever. Bravo!  
Vyvyan: I'm not going to let him stay here, you stupid bastard!  
George: I say, you WILL let him stay or I will...will...cut your hair!  
Vyvyan: Oh, bollocks!  
  
_Vyvyan exits.  
  
_Saffy: Lucas!  
Lucas: Yes?  
Saffy: Meet me tonight at the courtyard.  
Lucas: Aren't you a Regent?  
Saffy: Oh, I don't care about that. Please just meet me there tonight.  
Lucas: Yeah, all right. Sounds rather fun. See you tonight.  
  
_The two exit.  
  
_End of Act I.


	4. Act II

ACT II  
  
SCENE I  
  
_Courtyard. Lucas enters. He looks around and can't find anything. Saffy approaches the nearby balcony without her glasses on and her hair down. She looks ten times more beautiful.  
  
_Lucas: _(whispering) _Jesus Christ! She's actually attractive. I think I'm falling in love...or close to it.  
Saffy: _(sighs) _Oh, Lucas. Why do have to be a Fawlty? Better yet, why should it matter if you're a Fawlty? You're still a sweet, loving, young man.  
Lucas: Let's not jump to conclusions.  
Saffy: Lucas!  
Lucas: Oh yes! Hello, darling.  
Saffy: You called me   
Lucas: Yes?  
Saffy: The nicest thing a man even called me was   
Lucas: Oh. Well, I have to call you things like that, don't I?  
Saffy: Oh, Lucas! You must be the sweetest man in all the world.  
Lucas: You don't think you're overreacting just a tiny bit?  
Saffy: But don't you love me?  
Lucas: Of course I do, but don't get yourself down. We've only just met.  
  
_Humphrese enters.  
  
_Humphrese: Remember what I said. Take what you can get and don't let go.  
Lucas: What the hell are you doing here?  
Humphrese: I'm really here. You're just remembering what I told you.  
Lucas: Oh, I see, right.  
  
_Humphrese exits.  
  
_Lucas: On the contrary, my love, I'd never been more swept away in my life until I saw your face.  
Saffy: Oh, Lucas. Climb up here and kiss me!  
Lucas: All right. Sounds good.  
  
_Lucas starts climbing up the balcony...then falls off.  
  
_Lucas: Sorry, let me try that again.  
  
_Lucas starts climbing again. This time he is successful. He kisses Saffy passionately.  
  
_Lucas: That felt good.  
Saffy: It certainly did.  
Lucas: Right.  
Saffy: Do you really love me?  
Lucas: Of course...just never put your glasses on...and always have your hair down like that.  
Saffy: Anything for you, my love.  
Lucas: Right! Then you won't object to my proposing to you. How's for marriage?  
Saffy: What!?  
Lucas: Yeah. Tell you what, I'll have me mate send for you. You'll recognize him; he doesn't speak English very well.  
Saffy: But what about my family?  
Lucas: Oh, sod them! They don't mean a bloody thing to me. We'll get hitched and we'll kick it off in South America. What do you think?  
Saffy: Well...  
Lucas: Marvelous! I can hardly wait.  
Nurse: _(offstage) _Saffy! What are you doing in there!?  
Saffy: Just getting ready for bed, Hyacinth.  
Lucas: I best be going now. Sleep well, dear. Love you.  
  
_Lucas falls off the balcony.  
  
_Saffy: Good night, my darling. Tomorrow we shall hear only the sound of wedding bells.  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
  
SCENE II  
  
_Parochial house. Father Jack is sleeping in his armchair. Father Dougal is riding around in rollerblades. Father Ted is watering the plants with what appears to be whiskey.  
  
_Father Ted: It was awful nice of Father Griffin to leave us this exotic plant.  
Father Dougal: What's that you're doing, Ted?  
Father Ted: _(whispering)_ Apparently whiskey is good for it. It helps it grow into some kind of alcohol plant. Then you can sell it on the black market. He said it's good if we ever don't have enough in the collection money.  
Father Dougal: Why are you whispering, Ted?  
Father Ted: I don't want Father Jack to know there's whiskey in the house. Dougal, I told you no rollerblading in the house!  
Father Dougal: Did you, now?  
Father Ted: Yes! Don't you ever listen or what?  
Father Dougal: Oh, right, so.  
Father Ted: Right.  
  
_Mrs. Doyle enters.  
  
_Mrs. Doyle: Cup of tea, fathers?  
Father Ted: Ah, yes. Thanks.  
Father Dougal: Oh, wow!  
Father Ted: What?  
Father Dougal: That cup has George Harrison on it! Since when did he start making cups, now?  
Father Ted: No, Dougal. That's our Lord.  
Father Dougal: Is it?  
Father Ted: Yes. That's our Lord, Jesus Christ. The Son of God.  
Father Dougal: Is he really?  
Father Ted: Yes, of course.  
Father Dougal: Ah, brilliant. Who'd a thought it? George Harrison, the Son of God. So he's the man to everyday, is he?  
  
_Lucas enters.  
  
_Mrs. Doyle: Oh yes, I forgot. Lucas is here to see you, Father.  
Lucas: Hello, Father Crilly. Father Maguire.  
Father Dougal: Who are you!?  
Father Ted: Dougal, is that any way to treat a guest!? I'm sorry about that.  
Lucas: No, that's quite all right. Father Hackett! My God, it's been ages since I've seen you. How you been?  
Father Jack: _(punches Lucas)_ Feck off!!  
Father Ted: Sorry about that. I should've mentioned Father Jack gets very cranky when he has to talk to people.  
Lucas: No, that's alright. I can live another day.  
Mrs. Doyle: Would you like a cup of tea, Lucas?  
Lucas: No thanks, Mrs. Doyle. I don't really like tea very much.  
Mrs. Doyle: Ah, go on.  
Lucas: No, I'd love to, but--  
Mrs. Doyle: Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, GO ON!!  
Lucas: Yeah, all right! _(takes a swig of tea) _Thanks! _(belches)  
  
Mrs. Doyle exits.  
  
_Father Ted: Right, now what is it you wanted to talk to me about?  
Lucas: I want to get married, Father.  
Father Ted: God Almighty, already? Congratulations! You know, that Brahms is a lucky girl.  
Lucas: It's not her.  
Father Ted: It's not?  
Lucas: No.  
Father Ted: Then, who is it?  
Lucas: Saffy.  
Father Ted: Saffy?  
Lucas: Yeah.  
Father Ted: You do realize that Saffy is a Regent?  
Lucas: Love does funny things to men.  
Father Dougal: I think he's gone mad, Ted. I mean, you'd have to be a mad eejit to want to do something like that.  
  
_Dougal exits.  
  
_Lucas: So, what do you think?  
Father Ted: I'll do it. If not for you, then maybe for peace between two raging families.  
  
_Ted goes into a fantasy sequence in which he's dancing with many beautiful women in a white tuxedo at a disco. Back to the scene.  
  
_Lucas: Oh, thank you, Father! Thank you!  
Father Ted: Right, so when should we get on with this?  
Lucas: How about two-thirty?  
Father Ted: Sounds great. See you then.  
  
_Lucas exits.  
  
_Father Ted: Oh, God! What have I done!?  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
  
SCENE III  
  
_Town sqaure. Eric and Humphrese enter.  
  
_Eric Praline: Where the devil is Lucas? Came he not home tonight?  
Humphrese: Why are you talking like that?  
Eric Praline: I do not know. I'm just reading what's on the manuscript.  
Humphrese: Oh, I see.  
Eric Praline: Well, where is he?  
Humphrese: I'm not sure.  
Eric Praline: Stupid bloody bugger.  
Humphrese: What makes you say that?  
Eric Praline: Well, he runs off with some bird and never returns. For all we know he could've been murdered.  
Humphrese: Sounds very unlikely, Eric. Oh yes, that Vyvyan you hate so much wrote him a letter.  
Eric Praline: Really? What did the composition denote?  
Humphrese: It said something to the effect of I'm going to kill you, you bastard!  
Eric Praline: He will do no such thing. Vyvyan is but a drunken cur who takes up matter merely by sneezing.  
Humphrese: He's very unattractive as well.  
Eric Praline: Well, that goes without say-- _(he looks at Humphrese)_  
Humphrese: What? It's true.  
Eric Praline: I knew a man like him once. All I wanted was a bloody fish license--  
Humphrese: Oh, not this story again.  
  
_Enter Lucas.  
  
_Eric Praline: At last, the starring player enters the scene. Where in God's green Earth have you been?  
Lucas: Nowhere in particular.  
Humphrese: Vyvyan sent you a death threat. We were all rather worried.  
Lucas: Ha! A bloke like that fights by the book.  
Cheeky Fellow: Ooh! That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!  
Lucas: What are you doing here?  
Cheeky Fellow: I've just been around, knowhatimean, been around?  
Lucas: Are you selling something or what?  
Cheeky Fellow: Selling! Very good, very good, eh, eh, eh? Ooh! Wicked, eh? SAY NO MORE!!  
Lucas: Oh, shut up!!  
  
_Ratbag Woman enters.  
  
_Lucas: Hang on. I need to talk to this one.  
Humphrese: Lucas seems to be attracted to the unattractive.  
Eric Praline: Unattractive!? What's wrong with her?  
Humphrese: You really are a looney.  
  
_Eric and Humphrese argue incoherently.  
  
_Lucas: Are you Saffy's nurse?  
Ratbag Woman: Saffy's who!?  
Lucas: Nurse! Are you a nurse?  
Ratbag Woman: Now, look. If you want to roleplay, it'll cost extra.  
Lucas: What!?  
Ratbag Woman: Yeah! That'll come to twenty-one quid, sir. That is unless you don't want any of this here.  
Lucas: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I thought you were somebody else!  
  
_Lucas pushes her aside. Hyacinth enters.  
  
_Hyacinth: Are you Lucas?  
Lucas: Yes.  
Hyacinth: May I have a word?  
Lucas: Are you Saffy's nurse?  
Hyacinth: I am. May we discuss this in private?  
Lucas: Look, this is as private as it's gonna get, so we might as well get on with it.  
Hyacinth: All right. Let me start off by saying how utterly disappointed I am that Saffy is throwing her life away for someone of your class.  
Lucas: Hang on a minute. Isn't you surname   
Hyacinth: It's pronounced you uncultured swine.  
Lucas: What?  
Hyacinth: Were you raised on a farm, my dear boy? Bouquet! Bouquet! If you're going to marry my dear Saffy, you should at least be able to speak properly.  
Lucas: Look, just tell her to meet me at the church this afternoon at two-thirty...where we will be married.  
Hyacinth: I will do it. Just know this. If you lead her into a fool's paradise, you shall have me to deal with. Is that clear?  
Lucas: Perfectly clear, madam.  
Hyacinth: Until then, goodbye.  
  
_Hyacinth exits.  
  
_Ratbag Woman: Are you sure you don't want my services?  
Lucas: Oh, piss off, you miserable old hag.  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
  
SCENE IV  
  
_Courtyard. Saffy is smelling a statue. Hyacinth enters.  
  
_Hyacinth: Saffron, what on Earth are you doing?  
Saffy: Hyacinth? How is Lucas?  
Hyacinth: I'll tell you when you tell me what I want to know.  
Saffy: I'm just smelling the flowers.  
Hyacinth: Where are your glasses?  
Saffy: Lucas said he doesn't like them.  
Hyacinth: Honestly, Saffron, if you were going to pick someone like that, they could've at least been properly educated.  
Saffy: Look, that doesn't matter. Just tell me what news he brings.  
Hyacinth: I mean, the language those boys use. It's no place for a girl like yourself.  
Saffy: Hyacinth--  
Hyacinth: And their clothing! Oh, dreadful! One of them had the nerve to wear a bloody poncho in the presence of a lady.  
Saffy: _(firmly)_ When are we getting married?  
Hyacinth: This afternoon at two-thirty. Get dressed.  
  
_Saffy walks towards the door and into a wall._  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
  
SCENE V  
  
_Church. Father Ted stands at the altar with Father Dougal. He is incredibly nervous.  
  
_Father Ted: God, I'm not looking forward to this, Dougal.  
Father Dougal: So, wait a minute, Ted. If everything goes wrong, will they kill you?  
Father Ted: I don't know, Dougal. I really don't want to think about that right now.  
Father Dougal: Wouldn't it be awful if they found out what you were doing and just fired you? Then you'd be out on the street like one of those nature films.  
Father Ted: Yes, I know. But there's nothing I can do now.  
Father Dougal: Will they murder me too, Ted?  
Father Ted: Please shut up, Dougal. Please!  
  
_Enter Hyacinth and Saffy.  
  
_Hyacinth: Hello, Father Crilly. Father McGuire.  
Father Ted: Hello.  
Hyacinth: So, where is the man already? It'll be tea time soon.  
Father Ted: He hasn't arrived yet, Hyacinth.  
Saffy: Hasn't arrived yet?  
Father Ted: No, not yet.  
Saffy: Oh God, I hope he's all right.  
Father Ted: I'm sure he is.  
Father Dougal: There are women in the church, Ted!  
  
_Dougal frantically exits.  
  
_Father Ted: Yes, you best be off yourselves now. Remember, Lucas can't see you before the wedding. Otherwise I'm not legally allowed to marry you.  
Saffy: Come on, Hyacinth. Let's go!  
Father Ted: That's a statue.  
Hyacinth: I'm right here, you stupid girl!  
  
_They exit. Lucas and Manuel enter moments later.  
  
_Lucas: Hello, Father. I'd like you to meet my manservant Manuel.  
Manuel: Que?  
Lucas: It's all right, Manuel. I was just introducing you.  
Manuel: Que?  
Lucas: _(gesturing to Manuel) _I. Was. Just. Introducing. You. To. Father. Crilly.  
  
_Manuel just looks at him, very confused.  
  
_Lucas: Oh, never mind. Let's just get on with it.  
Father Ted: God Almighty, I've been waiting forever for those words. Right.  
Lucas: One thing, though, Father.  
Father Ted: Yes?  
Lucas: Have you any...advice before I go through with this?  
Father Ted: Well, I suppose there's one thing I could tell you. Saffron's a very nice young girl, so when you two decide to consumate your marriage, try not to be too rough on her.  
Lucas: No problem, Father.  
Father Ted: Right. Music!  
  
End of Act II


	5. Act III

ACT III  
  
SCENE I  
  
_Town square. Eric and Humphrese are wandering around the stage aimlessly.  
  
_Humphrese: Come now, Eric, let's retire. Some of us have boyfriends to get home to.  
Eric Praline: Not until I get a fish license!  
Humphrese: Are you still looking for a fish license?  
Eric Praline: I have been seeking out a fish license since the very dawn of man.  
  
_Enter Vyvyan, Neil, Rick, and Mike.  
  
_Humphrese: Oh, no. It's Vyvyan and the young ones.  
Eric Praline: Sod them, Humphrese. I'm obtaining a fish license by tonight and may Vyvyan strike me down if otherwise.  
Vyvyan: Hello, Eric. Is Lucas around?  
Eric Praline: I'm sorry?  
Rick: Oh dear, I think your ears might need unclogging, Praline!  
Vyvyan: Shut up, Rick!  
Rick: Right, sorry.  
Eric Praline: I apologize, gentleman, but I have no time to converse with the likes of you, for I am in dire need of a fish license.  
Rick: Why is he talking like that, Vyvyan? Is he a poof?  
Hupmhrese: Are you addressing me, sir?  
Rick: No, you snotty-faced git! Him!!  
Eric Praline: I'm sorry, do you mean to imply that because of my eccentric vocalities that I have homosexual tendencies?  
  
_Pause.  
  
_Rick: You are a poof! Look, everybody! Eric Praline is a bloody poofter!  
Vyvyan: Stop being so boring, Rick.  
Rick: Oh, that's nice isn't it!? That's very nice! Coming from someone as boring as you.  
Neil: Look, could we get on with this, man? I'm getting really bored--  
Rick: Ooh, dearie me, poor old Neil is getting bored! The most BORING person on the whole entire planet is finally getting a taste of his own medicine.  
Mike: Listen, I think we're overdoing the boredom motif in this conversation. I think it's time we extended our vocabulary.  
Neil: Look, all I said, Mike, was--  
Vyvyan: Yeah, we heard what you said and it was very boring.  
Mike: Vyv, I thought we decided that--  
Vyvyan: Yes, YOU decided, Michael!!  
Neil: Uh, guys!  
All: WHAT!?  
  
_Eric has since ignored them and is standing at a postal booth.  
  
_Eric Praline: Look, it's a bleedin' pet, isn't it!? I got a license for me pet dog Eric and I got a license for me pet cat Eric!  
  
_Lucas enters.  
  
_Mike: There he is!  
Rick: The bastard!  
Vyvyan: Oi, Lucas!!  
Lucas: Yeah?  
Vyvyan: You get my message?  
Lucas: No.  
Vyvyan: You embarrassed me in front of everyone at that party last night! Are you prepared to make up for it!?  
Lucas: Yeah, all right. How much, then?  
Vyvyan: Ten pound fifty-- NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT AT ALL!!  
Lucas: Well?  
Vyvyan: I'm break your bollocks, Lucas!  
  
_Vyvyan takes a beer bottle over Rick's head. Rick has been knocked out.  
  
_Lucas: _(understandably nervous)_ Now, look here, Vyvyan. Under the normal circumstances I'd fight you, but something has...well, something very...look over there!  
  
_Vyvyan turns around. Lucas runs away.  
  
_Vyvyan: I don't see anything!  
Mike: Uh, Vyvyan--  
Vyvyan: Hang on, I'm looking for something!  
Neil: Vyvyan--  
Vyvyan: What did I just say, Neil!?  
  
_Long pause.  
  
_Neil: Let me tell a joke: how many blokes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, me, because I'm the only one who does any work for these guys. Most of the time they're just doing what Vyvyan's doing now!  
Vyvyan: Lucas, what are you talking about!? _(turns around)_ BASTARD!!!  
Neil: I tried to tell you, Neil!  
Vyvyan: Great! I just broke this bottle for nothing. What am I going to do with it now?  
Neil: You could always recycle it.  
  
_Vyvyan looks at Neil threateningly.  
  
_Neil: Or not.  
Rick: OH, MY GOD!! I'M STUCK ON THE BLOODY GROUND!! HELP!! HELP!!  
Mike: You're not stuck, Rick. Vyvyan's just standing on top of you.  
Vyvyan: Come on, Mike! What do I do with this bottle!?  
  
_Eric walks over to Humphrese.  
  
_Eric Praline: They didn't have a fish license for me, so I had to settle for another half-a-bee license.  
Vyvyan: What a brilliant idea.  
  
_Vyvyan stabs Eric with the bottle.  
  
_Vyvyan: Right, that's taken care of. Let's go down to the pub.  
  
_They exit. Lucas reenters.  
  
_Lucas: Are they gone?...Eric! What happened?_  
_Eric Praline: What does your perception denote!?  
Lucas: Well, it looks like you've been stabbed.  
Eric Praline: That's bloody correct! AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE THAT GIT WOULDN'T SELL ME A BLOODY FISH LICENSE!!! A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES!!!  
Lucas: Who's houses?  
  
_Eric falls to the ground, dead.  
  
_Humphrese: Oh, dear. Are you all right, Eric?  
  
SCENE II  
  
_The pub. Neil, Rick, Mike, and Vyvyan enter and sit down. Long pause.  
  
_Neil: Well, just as I expected. Totally boring.  
Rick: Yes, and the service is terrible too. WAITER!? WAITER!!!?? You! Woman!  
  
_The Ratbag Woman walks over to their table.  
  
_Vyvyan: It's okay, guys. I stole some money from Rick's bedroom, so I'll get this. What would you like, Rick?  
Rick: Coffee, please, Vyvyan.  
Vyvyan: This is a pub, they don't do coffee.  
Rick: In that case, I don't want anything. I don't think it's very clever or smart to drink, I want to stay in control!  
Mike: Water, Vyvyan, in a straight glass.  
Neil: I'll have a bag of crisps, please, but not meat flavored because I don't abuse my body in the world I live in.  
Ratbag Woman: Hello, Vyvyan!  
Vyvyan: Oh. Hello, mum.  
Ratbag Woman: Are these your friends?  
Vyvyan: Oh, yeah. This is a friend of mine called Mike, this is a friend of mine called Neil, and that's a complete bastard I know called Rick!  
Rick: Oh, he's just joshing, we're all TERRIFIC friends!  
Ratbag Woman: Oh, he is a bastard, isn't he?  
  
_Lucas enters.  
  
_Lucas: Vyvyan!  
Vyvyan: _(irritated)_ What!?  
Lucas: Uh, I shouldn't do this, but since you've offended my honor, I'm afraid I'll have to kill you.  
  
_Lucas shoots Vyvyan and exits. Everyone else runs away. Soon after, the Major enters with Humphrese, George, Edina, Basil, and Sybil.  
  
_Major: Right, stop this! Stop this! It's silly. Far too silly for my liking. Now, who started this?  
Humphrese: Well, Vyvyan here killed your good friend Eric Praline, then Lucas, who looks very sexy with a gun I might add, killed Vyvyan.  
Edina: WHAT!? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT SWINE KILLED OUR DEAR NEPHEW VYVYAN!?  
George: My God, Edina, that's terrible! Do you know any other nephews?  
Sybil: Major, please don't be too hard on him. He's not himself lately.  
Basil: Sybil, you're only getting in the way.  
Sybil: Well, I don't see you doing anything about this, Basil.  
Basil: Major, I hope this appalling incident won't stop you from ever visiting Fawlty Towers. I can assure he shall be fired immediately without hesitation.  
Major: Not necessary, I'm afraid. At the risk of not being silly, I will not execute Lucas. You wouldn't believe how silly executioners have gotten recently. Instead, Lucas shall be banished!  
  
SCENE III  
  
_Parochial House. Ted and Dougal are playing Chutes and Ladders. Jack is sitting in his armchair.  
  
_Father Ted: Dougal, just out of curiosity, if you had three wishes, what would they be?  
Father Dougal: I don't want anything, really.  
Father Ted: Really?  
Father Dougal: Yeah.  
Father Ted: Are you sure?  
Father Dougal: I am, Ted.**  
**Father Ted: You wouldn't say...want a big car to drive around in?  
Father Dougal: Oh wow! That'd be fantastic. Driving around in a big car. Yeah that'd be one, oh brilliant.  
Father Ted: And what would be your second wish?  
Father Dougal: Ah no, that'd be fine. The car would be fine.  
Father Ted: You wouldn't like to be a rock star or something, like Elvis?  
Father Dougal: Oh God, yeah. I'd love to be a rock star like Elvis or something. Hoo that'd be brilliant.  
Father Ted: So eh, your third wish, if you had one?  
Father Dougal: Ah no, that'd be fine. If I had a big car and I was Elvis, that'd be grand.  
Father Ted: You wouldn't like say mmmm.....this cup?  
Father Dougal: Oh God, yeah! I'd love that cup. If I had that cup and I was Elvis and I had a big car that'd be fantastic.  
Father Ted: You've never had much of an imagination, have you Dougal?  
Father Dougal: No, you're right there Ted.  
  
_Lucas enters.  
  
_Lucas: Oh, God. I'm doomed! Doomed!  
Father Ted: Are you all right there, Lucas?  
Lucas: I've just received word that I've been banished!  
Father Ted: Banished!? Why would you be banished?  
Lucas: I killed Vyvyan!  
Father Ted: What did you do that for!?  
Lucas: He killed me best mate. I acted on impulses.  
Father Dougal: He's right there, Ted. It's all over the telly.  
Father Ted: But I just married you too! Why did you just decide to throw it all away!?  
Lucas: Impulses, Father! And what's worse is I was actually starting to like her. I think I'm gonna miss her now. I've also got a job and everything. I'm such a stupid bloody bugger!  
Father Ted: That's a bit of an understatement-- I mean, I mean, not you're not! There are much more foolish people in the world than yourself.  
Father Dougal: Look, Ted! I found my joke telephone. Do you remember, Ted? The joke telephone.  
Father Ted: Dougal, for the last time, it is a dog toy!  
Father Dougal: No, Ted!! It's a joke telephone!! You give it to someone and they try to make a call with it.  
Father Ted: Look, never mind that now! Well Lucas, I'd hate to see you go so soon, but I don't want to be arrested for harboring a known criminal like yourself, so if you wouldn't mind--  
  
_Hyacinth enters.  
_  
Hyacinth: There you are! I've looked every yard of this city for you. Why aren't you comforting Saffron in her torment?  
Lucas: Well--  
Hyacinth: I knew you were trouble the second she told me about you. Stop crying and comfort the one who needs it.  
Father Ted: She's right, you know. Why, I--  
  
_Father Jack knocks out Father Ted with a brick.  
  
_Father Jack: I LOVE MY BRICK!!  
  
SCENE IV  
  
_Corridor. Lord Flasheart, George, and Blackadder are having a conversation.  
  
_Lord Flasheart: So, where is this amazing bird I've heard so much bloody hype about!?  
George: Well, look, Flash, she's still in mourning for the death of her cousin. So if you wouldn't mind waiting a few days--  
Lord Flasheart: I'm not gonna wait a few days, you rubber desk johnny!! Send the bitch over here right now or I'll find your wife and give her something to hang her towels on!!  
George: Look, I know you're disappointed, but you know teenage girls.  
Lord Flasheart: Know them!? I bloody shag them! WOOF WOOF!!  
Blackadder: Are you sure you want this man to marry your daughter?  
George: Of course, I think I bally well know what I'm doing, Blackadder. God, I'm sick of you treating me like I'm some kind of a thickie. It's not me that's thick, it's _you_. And you know why, because I'm bally Lord Regent and you're a...serving man!  
Lord Flasheart: Right, well I've got to fly. Ten million chicks, only one Flasheart.  
  
_Flasheart exits.  
  
_George: Right, now go fetch me those wedding invitations, Mr. Thickie-Black-Thickie-Adder-Thickie.  
  
_George exits.  
  
_Blackadder: Why certainly, you stupid walrus-faced git.  
  
SCENE V  
  
_Courtyard. Lucas and Saffy are exchanging final goodbyes.  
  
_Lucas: Well, that was fun, wasn't it? But now I've got to go. I'd just like to say I'll think about you everyday of my natural life. And there is nothing in this world I will miss than you.  
Saffy: Oh, Lucas! Will I ever see you again?  
Lucas: I'm sure you will, darling. I'm sure will you.  
George: _(offstage)_ Hip hip, tally-ho, and Bernard's your uncle!  
Lucas: I've got to go. Cheers!  
  
_Lucas exits. Saffy wipes a tear from her eye. George and Edina enter.  
  
_George: Ah, still mourning for Vyvyan, I see?  
Saffy: Yes, Father.  
George: Good. Now try on your new wedding dress. We've got to rehearse.  
Saffy: I can't.  
George: What!?  
Saffy: I can't marry Flasheart!  
Edina: Come on, darling, help me out here, please.  
Saffy: I'm sorry, mum. I can't do it.  
George: Now, listen to me, Saffron! This queer behavior all began at that party and I'd like to know what's going on! First you spend those countless hours on that balcony talking to yourself, and now this! You will marry Flasheart next week or you can find yourself a new daddy. And another thing, why is it that no matter how many millions of pairs of socks I buy, I never seem to have any!?  
Saffy: Father--  
George: They just disappear. Honestly, you'd think someone was coming in here, stealing the damn things, and then selling them off!  
  
_Everyone stares at Blackadder, who has just entered.  
  
_Blackadder: Impossible, sir. Only you and I have access to your socks.  
George: Yes, I suppose you're right. Still, for me, socks are like sex. Tons of it about and I never seem to get any.  
  
_George and Edina exit. Baldrick enters.  
  
_Blackadder: Ah, Baldrick, do you have the invitations?  
Baldrick: The what?  
Blackadder: The invitations.  
Baldrick: You mean the small papery things tied up with string?  
Blackadder: Yes Baldrick, the invitations for the wedding.  
Baldrick: So, you're asking for the small papery things tied up with string for the big white thing coming up next week?  
Blackadder: Yes Baldrick, I am. And if you don't answer, then the booted bony thing with five toes at the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with the soft, dangly collection of objects in your trousers. Now, for the last time, Baldrick--  
Baldrick: Oh, I forgot the bloody invitations.  
Blackadder: Oh, God. If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start.  
Baldrick: What's wrong with her?  
Blackadder: She has to marry Lord Flasheart.  
Baldrick: And she don't want to?  
Blackadder: No.  
Baldrick: Do not despair, Saffy. I have a cunning plan to get you out of this.  
Saffy: What?  
Baldrick: Well, you go up to your Father, say you'll marry him, and jump out of the window.  
Blackadder: Baldrick, even for your standards, that's pathetic!!  
Saffy: I know! I shall visit Father Crilly! He'll know what to do.  
  
_Saffy exits.  
  
_End of Act III.


	6. Intermission

INTERMISSION  
  
If you have enjoyed this production of The Black Rider's _Lucas and Saffy_, you'll enjoy the following:  
  
_Fear and Loathing in Liberty City  
Big in Japan: A Dark Comedy  
Love Will Tear Us Apart  
I Want You  
  
_Or, if you see right through this shameless advertisement, you'll enjoy the following television series:  
  
_Absolutely Fabulous  
Are You Being Served?  
Blackadder  
Father Ted  
Fawlty Towers  
Monty Python's Flying Circus  
The Young Ones  
  
_Or, if you saw through this one, too, you'll enjoy these films with one television series which had little or nothing to do with this production whatsoever (for real this time):  
  
_The Big Lebowski  
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb  
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum  
A Hard Day's Night  
Life of Brian  
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels  
The Meaning of Life  
Monty Python and the Holy Grail  
The Office  
The Producers  
Rat Race (despite its dreadful ending)  
Willard  
  
_Now, get on with it!  
  
End of Intermission


	7. Act IV

ACT IV  
  
SCENE I  
  
_Parochial House. Father Jack is passed out in his armchair. He is holding a bottle in his left hand. Enter Father Ted and Flasheart.  
  
_Father Ted: Now, are you sure you can't wait a few weeks? I mean, she's just suffered a death in the family.  
Flasheart: Alas, she's been crying her eyes out since they stuck him in the charnel house. Let me tell you she won't be crying her eyes out when I stick myself in HER charnel house!! WOOF! WOOF!  
Father Ted: Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. So, Thursday, then?  
Flasheart: Right. Let me ask you something, Father Crilly?  
Father Ted: Of course, anything.  
Flasheart: What's a nun's charnel house like--  
Father Ted: I'm sorry, Lord Flasheart, but you really must be off now. I've got the eleven o' clock mass to perform. Out you go.  
  
_Flasheart exits. Enter Saffy.  
  
_Father Ted: My God, that's the kind of man your father wants you to marry!? No wonder you fell for Lucas.  
Saffy: It's all about the money for him.  
Father Ted: I can certainly see that.  
Saffy: _(weeping) _Oh, Father, I can't marry him! I can't! I'll be unhappy all my days.  
Father Teed: Well, look...there doesn't seem like much hope for Lucas now. Maybe you should just try to except Flasheart for what he's worth. After all, is that not what our Lord would've done?  
Saffy: Our Lord would not be in the mess. For one thing, he's a man.  
Father Ted: Men can be brought into these things as easily as women.  
Saffy: Anyway, Jesus did not have a father as inconsiderate as mine.  
Father Ted: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.  
Saffy: What!?  
Father Ted: I mean, that's not what I mean! I meant...Joseph!! Joseph!!  
Saffy: I suppose...but I can't marry him! I just can't! There must be something we can do.  
  
_Father Jack begins moaning in his sleep.  
  
_Father Ted: Hang on one second, there, Saffy.  
  
_Ted picks up the bottle in Jack's hand. It is a plastic, yellow bottle labeled Toilet Duck.  
  
_Father Ted: Oh, no...not Toilet Duck again! You know what that stuff does to you. Are we seeing them pink elephants again? How many fingers am I holding up to you?  
Father Jack: _(aghast) _THREE!!  
Father Ted: Wait a minute...I've got it!  
Saffy: What?  
Father Ted: All I need is a non-toxic bottle of detergent and all our problems our solved.  
Saffy: How?  
Father Ted: Hang on, there's got to be one somewhere. Jack's bound to have drunk a bottle before.  
  
_Ted rummages through various piles of alcohol bottles. After a while, he finds another bottle of detergent.  
  
_Father Ted: Right, so! All you have to do is drink this entire bottle tonight and you can be with your Lucas all your life...provided you're no longer interested in wealth...you're not, are you?  
Saffy: God, no.  
Father Ted: Good...because them there'd be no point in this, really. Right, so: You go home tonight, agree to marry Flasheart, drink the bottle, and you'll be unconscious for seventy-two hours. They'll throw you in the charnel house, when you wake up I'll get you out, and you can flee you Pythonland with your Lucas for all eternity. Well, till death do you part, anyway. So return home and meanwhile I'll send for Lucas.  
Saffy: Oh, thank you, Father! Thank you!  
  
_Saffy exits.  
  
_Father Ted: God Almighty, why am I doing this to myself?  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
  
SCENE II  
  
_Regent Hall. Blackadder and George are talking.  
  
_George: And another thing, why is it that no matter how many millions of pairs of socks I buy, I never seem to have any?  
Blackadder: Sir, if I may make so bold--  
George: They just disappear! Honestly, you'd think someone was coming in here, stealing the damn things and then selling them off!  
Blackadder: _(laughs) _Impossible, sir. Only you and I have access to your socks.  
George: Well, I suppose you're right. Still...for me, socks are like sex: tons of it about and I never seem to get any.  
  
_Enter Saffy, staggering as usual.  
  
_Saffy: Father--  
George: Oh, look who it is, Blackadder! Miss-I'm-Too-Bally-Well-Posh-To-Marry-Mister-Flashy-Hearted-Lord-Flasheart!  
Blackadder: Either that or its your daughter.  
George: Well, what is it!?  
Saffy: I apologize for my former sharpness...and will agree to marry Lord Flasheart!  
George: Well, hurrah!!  
Blackadder: A wise choice, madam.  
George: This is absolutely splendid news!! DARLING!!  
  
_Enter Edina.  
  
_Edina: _(hung-over)_ Not so loud, dear, please.  
George: Well, Saffy has finally come round to her senses and agreed to marry Lord Flasheart!  
Edina: Oh, that's marvelous. Where's the brandy?  
George: In fact, we haven't any plans for tomorrow. Why don't we move thee wedding to then!?  
Edina: No, darling, please. I really need to rest tonight.  
George: It's alright! Old Blackie here will take care of everything, won't he!?  
Blackadder: _(sharply sarcastic)_ Certainly. And perhaps you'd like me to walk around wearing some red lipstick and put on a female corset.  
George: He's even going to do the entertainment for us at the reception! I say, Blackadder, you are a marvelous friend. Right, let's go down to the Naughty Hellfire Club and celebrate.  
All: HURRAH!!  
  
_All exit except for Blackadder and Saffy. Enter Baldrick.  
  
_Baldrick: Something wrong, Mr. B?  
Blackadder: Baldrick, how do you feel about entertaining the guests?  
Baldrick: All right, what sort of thing did you have in mind?  
Blackadder: _(in a sly voice)_ Oh, you'll see...  
  
_Blackadder and Baldrick exit.  
  
_Saffy: Oh, be still, my heart.  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
  
SCENE III  
  
_Saffy's room. She holds up the bottle of detergent. Hyacinth enters. Saffy hides the bottle.  
  
_Hyacinth: Are you sure you don't need my help with anything?_  
_Saffy: Oh, that's all right, thank you. I just really need my rest. I've got a big day tomorrow.  
Hyacinth: All right, sleep well.  
  
_Hyacinth exits.  
  
_Saffy: Farewell! God knows when we shall meet again. I have a faint cold fear thrills through my veins, that almost freezes up the heat of life: I'll call them back again to comfort me: Hyacinth! What should she do here? My dismal scene I needs must act alone. Come, vial. What if this mixture do not work at all? Shall I be married then to-morrow morning? No, no: this shall forbid it: lie thou there.   
  
_Saffy holds up the bottle once again._  
  
Saffy: What if it be a poison, which Father Crilly subtly hath minister'd to have me dead, lest in this marriage he should be dishonour'd, because he married me before to Lucas? I fear it is: and yet, methinks, it should not, for he hath still been tried a holy man. How if, when I am laid into the tomb, I wake before the time that Lucas come to redeem me? there's a fearful point! Shall I not, then, be stifled in the vault, to whose foul mouth no healthsome air breathes in, and there die strangled ere my Lucas comes? Or, if I live, is it not very like, the horrible conceit of death and night, together with the terror of the place-- as in a vault, an ancient receptacle, where, for these many hundred years, the bones of all my buried ancestors are packed: where bloody Vyvyan, yet but green in earth, lies festering in his shroud; where, as they say, at some hours in the night spirits resort-- alack, alack, is it not like that I, so early waking, what with loathsome smells, and shrieks like mandrakes' torn out of the earth, that living mortals, hearing them, run mad-- O, if I wake, shall I not be distraught, environed with all these hideous fears? And madly play with my forefather's joints? And pluck the mangled Vyvyan from his shroud? And, in this rage, with some great kinsman's bone, As with a club, dash out my desperate brains? O, look! Methinks I see my cousin's ghost seeking out Lucas, that did spit his body upon a rapier's point: stay, Vyvyan, stay! Lucas, I come! This do I drink to thee.  
  
_She drinks it and falls asleep._  
  
BBC Announcer: _(during the second part of the monologue)_ This bit of dialogue was taken directly from the original manuscripts of _Lucas and Juliet_, original stage play by William Shakespeare. It is the one moment that was not written by the boys, because they didn't really fancy making up their own dialogue as a substitute. And then, of course, there is the issue of the overall storyline, but I shan't get into that. Right, well, now that we have reached the middle of the Fourth Act and as we are now nearing the end of the show, we would like to read out what some of the critics have thought of this, The Black Rider's _Lucas and Saffy_. Ken Starlet of The New York Times points out that, the humor we are subjected to in this production is utterly sophomoric and predictable. If they were to desecrate Shakespeare, they could've at least been a bit creative in their approach. An interesting observation, Mr. Starlet. Olaf Witkenstein of Kraut Weekly proclaims, The Black Rider's _Lucas and Saffy_ is an unwatchable insult to theater which only stands to prove what an overrated piece of garbage _Love Will Tear Us Apart_ was. I wouldn't expect anything less from a critical Nazi. Roger Ebert and his love child Richard Roeper give the production, Two thumbs down. If you could elaborate, gentlemen...well, as you can see, this play is, so far, a critical flop, but what will the audience think? Find out more...right after this!  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
  
SCENE IV  
  
_Regent Mansions. The wedding procession is ready. The band prepares to perform. Enter George, Edina, Hyacinth, and Father Ted.  
  
_Father Ted: So, uh, how long has she been in her room? _(starts laughing)_ Sorry...well?  
Hyacinth: I doubt she's even awake yet. After all, she was up a bit late last night. How could she not with a father like this. If it were up to me, I'd advise that we postpone the wedding.  
George: Well, tish and pish to your advice! I paid good money for this wedding and I'm damned if I'm going to let it all go to waste.  
Hyacinth: All right. Blackadder!  
George: Of course! Blackadder will deal with it. He's even organizing the entertainment.  
  
_Enter Blackadder.  
  
_Blackadder: Good morning, sir. Sleep well?  
George: Well, Saffy certainly is! Wake her up, Blackadder.  
Blackadder: Very well.  
George: I say, Blackadder, where's that dress we had you made up in last night.  
Blackadder: Oh, I daren't let the surprise go to waste now. Not before the wedding.  
  
_Blackadder kicks down the door to Saffy's room and enters it.  
  
_Father Ted: This is a lovely flat you've got here. How much do you pay for it each month?  
George: Eh?  
  
_Blackadder returns.  
  
_George: Very good, Blackadder! That's the way to snap her out of it. In a mere few seconds, she will be radiantly dressed in white and will be marching towards her future man. How is she, anyway?  
Blackadder: She's dead, sir.  
George: What?  
Blackadder: Yes, sir. Why do you think she lies motionless on the floor without any texture in her skin?  
George: Thought she might have been resting.  
Hyacinth: _(weeping)_ SAFFRON!!  
Father Ted: My God, that's terrible!  
Edina: Oh, woe! Our eldest and only daughter is slain! Hyacinth, where's the champagne, I really need a drink.  
Hyacinth: Honestly, is that all you can think about now?  
Edina: YES!!  
Blackadder: Tragic, sir.  
George: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, but what are we going to do about all these musicians and wedding guests!? I spent all that bloody money, now I can't even get myself a bird tonight! I say, Father, it'll be a bit difficult to go on with this wedding if she's dead!  
Father Ted: Well...naturally, George.  
Blackadder: And it's much more than that, sir. Lord Flasheart will be expecting his bride any minute now. Whatever shall we do about him?  
  
_Flasheart crashes through the wall.  
  
_Lord Flasheart: IT'S...ME!! HOORAY!!  
Blackadder: Nice to see you, Lord Flash.  
Lord Flasheart: Nice to see you, old Slack Bladder!  
Blackadder: My thoughts exactly. Now, I'm afraid we've some bad news.  
Lord Flasheart: Oh damn, one of the alter boys died in the SACK again, didn't they!? Oh well, now that I'm here, we might as well DOOOOOOO IT!!  
Blackadder: No, it's not that. I'm afraid your fiancee is dead.  
  
_Silence.  
  
_Lord Flasheart: Oh, well. I can always turn necrophilia!  
  
_Blackadder and Father Ted hold him back.  
  
_Lord Flasheart: Oh, it's like that, is it? Sorry, didn't realize you blokes had first dibs on her. Right, well I've got to fly. Ten million chicks and only one Flasheart. And remember, if you want something, take it!  
  
_Flasheart grabs a girl and exits.  
  
_George: Right, um, can you do funerals?  
Father Ted: Yes.  
George: Right, then, we might as well get on with it...now that we're here. Right, everyone. Let's get ready here.  
  
_All exit except for Blackadder. Enter Baldrick in a dress and red lipstick.  
  
_Baldrick: I'm not too late, am I?  
  
End of Act IV.


	8. Act V

ACT V  
  
SCENE I  
  
_Pythonland. Once again, Lucas is being pestered by the Cheeky Fellow.  
  
_Cheeky Fellow: Was your bird interested in....photography, eh? Photographs, eh? He asked him knowlingly?  
Lucas: Photography?  
Cheeky Fellow: Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, saynomore?  
Lucas: I'm afraid I don't know.  
Cheeky Fellow: Oh. _(leeringly)_ Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?  
Lucas: Look, are you insinuating something?  
Cheeky Fellow: Oh, no, no, no...yes.  
Lucas: Well?  
Cheeky Fellow: Well, you're a man of the world, squire. I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh.... You've "done it"....  
Lucas: What do you mean?  
Cheeky Fellow: Well, I mean...you've, like, _slept_, with a lady...  
Lucas: _(puzzled)_ Yes?  
Cheeky Fellow: What's it like?  
  
_Enter Manuel.  
  
_Manuel: Mr. Lucas!! Mr. Lucas!!  
Lucas: Manuel!  
Manuel: I have some bad news about Saffy.  
Lucas: Well, what is it?  
Manuel: Que?  
Lucas: What is it?  
Manuel: Que?  
Lucas: What...is...news...Saffy.  
Manuel: Oh, si, si. Saffy...is... _(struggling)  
_Lucas: Saffy...is...  
Manuel: Dead!  
Lucas: What!?  
Manuel: She drop dead in sleep last night. They have funeral. Father Crilly very upset.  
Lucas: I don't believe this! This can't be happening.  
  
_Lucas runs straight into a wall.  
  
_Lucas: Damn, it's not a dream. Right! There's only one way to do this like a man.  
  
_Enter Ken Shabby.  
  
_Lucas: Ken the Apothecary!  
Ken Shabby: That's Ken _Shabby_ the Apothecary to you, mate!  
Lucas: Do you have anything for a quick and relatively painless suicide, Mr. Shabby?  
Ken Shabby: Oh yeah, I've got just the thing for ya, mate!  
Lucas: What is it?  
Ken Shabby: A rat. _(takes it out) _Lovely, innit!?  
Lucas: I suppose...when you put your mind to it.  
Ken Shabby: Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry, squire, I've gobbed on your jacket!  
Lucas: That's quite alright. Now, how much for the rat?  
Ken Shabby: Hundred and two quid.  
Lucas: Damn, I've only got ninepence.  
Ken Shabby: Oh, well. That'll do. See ya in the afterlife, mate.  
Lucas: Thanks!  
  
_Lucas takes the rat and exits. The Cheeky Fellow approaches Ken Shabby.  
  
_Cheeky Fellow: Is your, uh, is your wife a goer, eh?  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
  
SCENE II  
  
_Parochial House. Father Ted is reading the newspaper. Dougal enters.  
  
_Father Ted: Ah, Dougal! Did you send the telegram?  
Father Dougal: The what?  
Father Ted: The telegram...the message.  
Father Dougal: Oh right, yeah.  
Father Ted: You sent it, then?  
Father Dougal: _(stops to think for a minute and then...)_ No.  
Father Ted: What!?  
Father Dougal: Well, I would've done it, Ted, except I forgot...so I couldn't.  
Father Ted: Oh, gobshite! We've got to get to Pythonland right now before it's too late!  
  
_Ted frantically exits.  
  
_Father Dougal: Where you going off to, Ted?  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
  
SCENE III  
  
_Charnel House. Saffy and Vyvyan both lie next to each other in glass tombs. Lord Flasheart is looking at them, along with Blackadder.  
  
_Blackadder: So, as you can see, based on the latest in burial technology, the corpses should not decompose for at least another six months. That's almost triple the average rate.  
Lord Flasheart: Right, so she'll be sexy for another six months then.  
Blackadder: Why, yes, of course. Now, if you'll just look into this cannon, you'll see what technology has done for us in our war with the Fawlties.  
Lord Flasheart: _(head in the cannon)_ Fan-bloody-tastic!  
  
_The cannon goes off.  
  
_Blackadder: Git.  
  
_Enter Lucas.  
  
_Lucas: Saffy!!  
Blackadder: What are you doing here?  
Lucas: I've come to pay respects to the woman I love! If that's a problem, then do something about it.  
  
_Blackadder shoots Lucas with the cannon and exits. Lucas is dead instantly. Saffy awakens. Father Ted enters.  
  
_Saffy: What's going on?  
Father Ted: Saffy, thank God I found you! There seems to be a bit of a mix-up. You see, Lucas thought you were dead and-- oh.  
Saffy: What? I can't see a thing.  
Father Ted: Well...you know how when people die, they all go to Heaven?  
Saffy: Yes?  
  
_Father Ted exits frantically.  
  
_Saffy: Lucas...dead?  
  
_Saffy gets up and feels her way around. At first, she accidentally knocks over Vyvyan's casket. She picks up the dead rat.  
  
_Saffy: What's this? Why, it appears to be a dead rat. One bite of this and I shall be in Heaven with my darling Lucas forever more. Fear not, my love. I am coming!  
  
_Saffy bites off its head and dies. The rest of the surviving cast enters except for Father Ted, Dougal, Jack, Mrs. Doyle, Baldrick, Sybil, and the Major.  
  
_Basil: So Sybil's dead of an ingrowing toenail somehow, Lucas got shot, Humphrese?  
Humphrese: Yes?  
Basil: I'm rather old. Would you mind doing all the work from now on?  
Humphrese: Oh, of course not!  
George: I say, Basil, I may be as thick as a whale omelette--  
Blackadder: Correct.  
George: But if I've ever learned anything in my entire life, it's that this incident should end in some kind of happy note. What do you say, Bas? Care to make up for all the pain and heartache we've caused each other?  
Basil: Yeah, all right.  
George: In fact, I shall build a golden statue of the two lovebirds to symbolize it! Are you with me, everyone?  
All: Yeah!  
  
_Enter Major.  
  
_Major: Right, stop that! This show has gotten far too silly. Now, as you know, there's only a certain amount of silliness I can take in one sitting. So, when I yell the word I want the curtain puller to close the curtain. Right. CURTAIN!!  
  
_The curtain falls._


End file.
